Infidelity - Paths for Your Future

1.

This is the worst option of all. If you want to create the most horror and pain to your spouse and children, this is the one to choose. Your spouse will be traumatized for years and may never recover. You will alienate your children, lose respect from nearly all your friends, and create a living hell for the ones you left behind. The icy encounters will continue for years to come, and the carnage to your children will reverberate for generations. I call this "The Mass Murder Option.” Keep in mind that 90 percent of affairs fail before nuptials, and 75 percent of marriages that begun as affairs fail, partly due to their guilt-filled, untrusting foundations. Statistically, this means relationships that begin as affairs only have a 3 percent chance of becoming long-term marriages.

2.Leave the affair partner as well as the marriage.●

This choice is wrenching for everyone involved. Carnage Is still left behind, although there is slightly less torture for loved ones if they don't have to deal with "the couple from hell" (you and the affair partner). I call this one "The Murder Option." Your spouse will still suffer greatly, with losses that feel worse to them than widowhood, and you may never find "the perfect soul mate" you are hoping for. Even if you find a new person with whom to spend the rest of your life, it will not re-create the sense of family you once knew with your original spouse and children.

3. Stay but make no effort to save the marriage.

This decision leads to failure by default. When betrayers follow up their affairs with passive inaction, it sends a message to the spouse: "Not only are you not worthy of my loyalty and protection, you are not worth the ground I walk on. ”This approach tends to lead to a very acrimonious divorce and aftermath. It may even force your spouse to initiate the divorce, when in reality, you were the one to "kill it." I call this "The Negligent Homicide Option.”

4. Make a bungled, haphazard effort to save the marriage.

This option is usually chosen by a well-intentioned partner who is clueless about the depth of the damage caused by his/her unfaithful behavior. In his or her efforts to calm the hurting partner, the betrayer often says things like, "You should be over this by now" or, "I said I was sorry!" or, "What else do you want me to do? I can't take it back." The rely-on-my-own- judgment approach usually magnifies the pain and leads to a more drawn out blood-letting of the marriage until it dies. I call this the "Detain and Torture Option."”

5. Make a heart-felt, well-advised effort to save

your marriage.

Obtaining expert, outside help dramatically increases your chances of saving and even improving your marriage. Such an investment brings long-term rewards despite the initial difficulty of facing and dealing with the harm you've caused your spouse. Even if your partner decides not to reconcile, you can look back knowing you made a concerted effort to undo the damage, learn valuable lessons, and reduce some of the fallout from the affair. I call this "The Character-Building and Possible-Resurrection Option.” I believe the guidelines suggested in this talk can spare you some terrible mistakes along the way. While there is no guarantee that your spouse will want to or ought to give you another chance, there are ways to guarantee failure, as out- lined in the first four options listed above. My goal is to offer you a road map for the fifth option that will significantly increase your chances of saving your marriage.